DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be so much growing awareness about the legitimacy of mental health challenges these days. However, my community of friends has left me to spend the holidays alone, repeatedly, despite knowing I live alone, have no family and am trying to cope with depression and anxiety.
I’ve made pretty bold hints, and that hasn’t worked. I know it is not their responsibility to include me, but finding myself alone again this year has been quite rough. Any strategies to be welcomed to holiday gatherings without reducing myself to begging?
GENTLE READER: No one needs to be alone, especially at the holidays. There are so many organizations that accept volunteers to help others in various ways. It is fine to ask whether there is a small task that you feel you can handle.
That said, Miss Manners agrees that it would be kind of your friends to invite you, and not only on holidays. She hears from single people who feel resentment that they are only invited out of pity.
Friendship involves more than that: It also involves reciprocity. That does not mean that you must entertain them in the same way they entertain you. You could reciprocate with small favors and sincere gratitude. And perhaps you have done that, as you mention having a community of friends.
But friendship also involves understanding your friends’ situations. They may be swamped with other obligations, particularly during the holidays.
Miss Manners noted that you are citing depression and anxiety. You may well feel that the efforts above are beyond you. In that case, the sad truth is that you are indeed dependent on their thinking, “Poor thing, she has nobody; we should probably do something” — and in competition with their other obligations.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
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