NPR’s Adrian Ma speaks with Psychologist Joshua Coleman about the reasons why estrangement has become more common in recent years and what can be done to address that.
ADRIAN MA, HOST:
The holidays are often thought of as a time when you’re supposed to gather with family, but for a lot of folks, there may be certain family members that they don’t want to see. In fact, YouGov conducted a national survey last year in which 1 in 4 people said they’re estranged from a family member, be it a parent, child, sibling or grandparent. So joining us to talk about why that might be is Joshua Coleman. He’s a psychologist and author of the book “Rules Of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties And How To Heal The Conflict.” Joshua, thanks for being here.
JOSHUA COLEMAN: Thank you for having me.
MA: Is estrangement becoming more common than it used to be?
COLEMAN: I think it’s becoming more common, and troublingly, I think it’s becoming more acceptable and accepted. I think there’s a kind of a social contagion that happens through Instagram and TikTok and Reddit where cutting out your toxic family member is becoming sort of an act of personal expression and identity, rather than what it often is, which is an expression more of avoidance. I’m not saying that there aren’t places where, of course, there are. There are abusive, problematic parents or family members who, no matter how well you communicate with them, they’re not going to change, and they can continue to be abusive and hurtful and destructive in one form or another.
But I and my colleagues are working with parents and families where that is not the case, where these are parents who would do anything, who are willing to do their own therapy, go to family therapy, take responsibility, and they’re being told, no, my therapist says you’re a narcissist or you’re a gaslighter. And it’s a huge problem in our society. We have a culture that’s very rich in the language of…
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