DEAR ABBY:
I am a 40-plus-year-old single male. I recently started hanging out with one of my friend “Tom’s” ex-girlfriends. It is now turning into more than friends. “Pam” and I both have feelings for each other. She and Tom dated for five months and broke up eight months ago.
Do I owe it to Tom to ask his permission or tell him I’m seeing her? Pam has asked me to not say anything and to let him find out on his own, which will happen because we have many mutual friends. I want to respect her choice. But also, as Tom’s friend, I feel the right thing to do is tell him. Please advise. I’m stuck between her wishes and doing what I think is right. — STUCK IN THE MIDDLE IN IOWA
DEAR STUCK:
Have a talk with Pam. Explain that you are not sure how Tom will react if he sees the two of you arm-in-arm with no warning. He may not care, but he also could be upset that you are dating and hid it from him. Then tell Pam that, in light of your friendship with Tom, you prefer being upfront because it’s respectful and you don’t like keeping secrets.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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