I’ve spent 20 years studying how to raise successful kids—here’s the most ‘overlooked’ skill I tell parents to teach

As a psychologist, I’ve spent nearly 20 years studying how to care for and raise good humans. The overlooked skill I always tell new parents to teach is inner efficiency.

Inner efficacy is an individual’s belief in their own capacity to do what it takes to meet their goals. Self-esteem might say, “I’m amazing!” but inner efficacy says, “I have what it takes to figure this out and achieve what I set out to.”

Kids with a strong sense of inner efficacy are more likely to challenge themselves and put in the effort. Rather than blaming external circumstances or some immutable lack of talent for their failures, they’ll focus on factors that are within their control.

Research shows that kids gain inner efficacy from four sources:

1. The experience of getting things right

For this to happen, kids have to be challenged at the right level. Pushing them into educational experiences they’re not ready for can be counterproductive.

Whenever they worry about not being able to do something, you can promote a growth mindset by telling them: “You’re not there, yet.”

2. Watching others get it right

It’s important that kids see others they consider similar to themselves, in at least some specifics (like age, race or ethnicity, gender identity, interests), achieving similar goals.

The peer modeling doesn’t have to come from people exactly like our unique child, but watching a much older child of a different race and gender accomplish something might not have the same effect.

3. Reminders that they have a history of getting things right

The stories we tell ourselves about the past create our sense of competence about the future.

Studies show that people who lean into optimism, have a growth mindset, and believe in themselves often don’t have such different past experiences than their pessimistic peers. They just remember successes more vividly than failures.

4. A sense of calm in their bodies

If children feel stressed, queasy, or anxious when faced with challenges, it can be difficult to perform…