Emily Nagoski wrote a guide on finding lasting intimacy — and helped her own marriage

NPR’s Juana Summers speaks with sex educator Emily Nagoski about her new book Come Together, and advice for partners to begin what can sometimes be intimidating conversations about sex.

JUANA SUMMERS, HOST:

There is a tired-out storyline when it comes to relationships, and it goes something like this. Sex is great in the beginning, but then life happens, and, well, sex moves way down on the to-do list and may not even be there at all. Emily Nagoski is a sex educator who knows the biology and sociology of intimacy. In fact, she had such a big hit with her book “Come As You Are” that her work got in the way of her own sex life.

EMILY NAGOSKI: Even though I was thinking and talking and reading and writing about sex all the time, I was so stressed by the process that I had no interest in actually having any sex with my husband.

SUMMERS: Nagoski discovered that the fastest way to destroy your sex life is to worry about it.

NAGOSKI: So if you’re starting place can be wherever I am right now is normal, and I’m OK, even if it’s not where I would choose to be, let me get to know what’s true right now so that I can explore with curiosity what some strategies might be to move in a direction that feels more comfortable.

SUMMERS: So that is exactly what she did. And the result is a new book. It’s called “Come Together: The Science (And Art) Of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.” And before we dig into it all, a heads up. This conversation is going to focus on sex and intimacy, and it might not be appropriate for all listeners. When we spoke, I asked Emily Nagoski where she started.

NAGOSKI: So the first thing was, I tried to follow my own advice of, like, scheduling sex. If I can get to the point of starting, we’re all good. And the difficulty was we couldn’t get there. So I tried scheduling it. I tried just putting my body in the bed and seeing what would happen. But I was stuck in some space in my brain that felt a million…