Dear Annie: I sympathize with “Bewildered and Beleaguered by Family,” who “always got abuse, judgment and blame” from family. I had to put up with a father who always felt he had to be contrary, no matter what, and who always yelled at me at the top of his lungs, frequently accusing me of things I didn’t do.
Eventually, I grew up and moved out of state, but despite what I went through, I tried to maintain decent relations. My parents called me and sent letters, and I called them and wrote also. Then, one day, I suddenly and inexplicably was told not to write to them anymore.
I don’t let it bother me now. I’ve moved on, and I believe others can, too. I remember the following quote from Bernard M. Baruch: “Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” — Not Looking Back
Dear Not Looking Back: I am so sorry that you had to endure that type of emotional abuse as a child. I wish I could go back and tell you to say to your dad, “What is more important to you: contradicting me and yelling at me all the time or having a positive and intimate relationship with your child?”
Without self-awareness, one cannot change. But you, my friend, have changed. Congrats. You sound like an incredibly wise human being. You survived a difficult childhood and came out on top. Chances are your dad was not nearly as psychologically aware as you are and didn’t even know what he was doing. He was probably repeating what he saw his dad do. If he does reach out to you, you will be in a position to help him see how much pain he caused you.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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