Dear Abby: He splurges on his kids while I support him

DEAR ABBY:

My husband died three years ago, and I met someone shortly after. This man is kind and loving, and he treats me well. He happily moved with me to another state to be near my family. I’m 67, and he is 63. I’m retired, and hopefully have enough to live on for the rest of my life, although as everyone knows, anything can happen.

My concern is that this man gives his two children so much money every month that there’s none left over to help with any of our household expenses. He knows he will have to wean them off financially before he retires. I’m loath to ask him to stop, because I don’t want to lose him over this issue. However, I didn’t budget having to support him for the rest of my life.

He hasn’t saved any money for his retirement. When I’ve asked why he sends them all his money, he says that when he and their mom divorced, it upset them and he feels guilty (it has been 18 years!), or when he gets old and senile, they’ll care for him. When I mentioned that when he gets old and senile, I’ll ship him out to his daughter, he said she has her own life and won’t want him there. It’s driving me crazy! What do I do? — STRESSED RETIREE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR RETIREE:

You must protect yourself — that’s what you do. Speak up and tell this kind, loving, generous freeloader that unless he’s prepared to pay his half of the household expenses, he will have to move. It may not be a pleasant conversation, but you will avoid a lot of heartache — not to mention financial ruin — if you assert yourself NOW. By the way, there are no guarantees his daughter would be willing to take care of her father when he’s old and senile. Many parents, to their dismay, discover that sad fact when it is too late.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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