Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she’s being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough “I’m fine” armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I’ve never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn’t ask for or take suggestions well, so I’ve always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children’s lives.
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Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. — Concerned Grammy
Dear Concerned Grammy: There is nothing funny about belittling or teasing someone. You sound very psychologically aware, especially to notice that her behavior comes from a place of insecurity based on her own upbringing. But that does not make it right. When people know better, they do better. So my guess is that she doesn’t know how damaging her teasing is. Continue to lead by example, but also, talk to your son about your concerns. And in the meantime, continue to praise and support your grandchildren without the putdowns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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