Harvard psychologist: 9 toxic phrases people use when they’re gaslighting you—and how to respond

“Gaslighting,” or the experience of being manipulated into doubting your feelings and perceptions of reality, can happen to anyone.

This behavior is often used to gain power and control in relationships. Being on the receiving end of it can be damaging to your self-esteem, and can even lead to anxiety or depression.

As a Harvard-trained psychologist who specializes in trauma and relationships, I’ve observed this firsthand. If someone says any of these nine toxic phrases to you, be careful — they may be gaslighting you:

Gaslighters will try to make you question your sanity. Making direct comments that undermine your perspective or rationality is a common tactic. 

How to respond:

• “Please don’t question my ability to think clearly.”
• “Even if we don’t agree, this is what the reality looks like to me.”

By accusing you of being dramatic, the gaslighter is attempting to dismiss your concerns as irrational and unfounded.

How to respond:

• “Whether or not you agree with me, this is how I feel right now.”
• “I would appreciate it if you didn’t judge my feelings. They are mine and not up for debate.”

Gaslighters often downplay their mean-spirited comments or criticism. This can cause you to wonder if you’re being overly sensitive, even when you’re not.

How to respond:

• “That comment might have been funny to you, but it hurt my feelings.”
• “It didn’t seem to me like you were joking, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me that way.”

When something doesn’t go as they had planned, gaslighters will often try to avoid taking responsibility by shifting any criticism and blame onto you.

How to respond:

• “I actually can’t make you do anything.”
• “Your behavior is a reflection of your choices, not mine.”

When you try to set boundaries with a gaslighter, they may feel wronged and try make you feel guilty by saying you don’t care about them.

How to…