Psychology experts: The No. 1 tool we teach to save ‘any relationship’ from disaster

As a psychologist and a sexologist, we’ve been spent a combined 50 years studying what makes relationships successful.

In our work with real couples, we’ve found that no matter how you slice it, most of them fail because of poor communication. But there’s one powerful tool we teach that can be used not just in your intimate relationships, but with friends, family and even coworkers.

It also happens to be the most important skill every therapist needs to be good at their job: reflective listening.

The goal of reflective listening isn’t to solve the problem for the other person, but rather for them to feel validated and heard.

If done right, their internal feeling should be: “OK, I feel understood now.”

When we’re certain that our opinions are respected, we can better work together to resolve issues before they turn from minor disagreements into major fights. 

We want to prevent our body’s alarm system from hijacking the conversation, so in order for this to work, make sure that the two of you aren’t in the middle of a fight.

Then, follow these 10 steps:

1. Find a quiet place where you can both sit and make eye contact. Use an object (a cup, a cloth, anything) to represent who gets to speak. Begin the conversation with the person who has the object; the other person doesn’t get to talk until they’re handed it.

2. Introduce the conversation. “Help me understand…” or “I want to understand you.” Let them know that you will listen until they are finished. 

3. Allow your partner to speak freely without interrupting. Focus intently on what your partner is saying, maintaining eye contact or nodding until they’ve finished.

4. Check yourself during the conversation. Don’t roll your eyes, sigh or show strong reactions. Remember that you’re trying to understand them from their perspective, not yours.

5. Paraphrase what your partner says. “What I hear you saying is…”

6. Note your partner’s feelings. “It sounds like…