Dear Abby: Is it crazy that I put my sons in their own apartment?

DEAR ABBY:

My husband and I moved near the ocean last year. I have two sons, 21 and 17. My older son moved across the country with some friends. The younger son, “Cody,” chose at the last minute to stay with his dad.

Abby, it has been awful. Cody dropped out of high school and did not keep up with his home-school work. He quit his jobs, and he’s on depression medication. This week, both boys moved where I am. My house is small, so I got them an apartment in my name. The landlord thinks I’m going to be living there. My question is, how often should I go there and clean, make dinner and visit? I feel like I’ll want to be there all the time — before work, after work and on weekends. My husband thinks I should back off, but Cody is only 17 and going through a lot.

They moved into the apartment today, so this is still new. Also, is it crazy that I paid to put them in their own apartment? I felt like it was an OK choice since our house is so small. They both are planning to get jobs, and the younger one wants to start college classes. But they’re lazy and messy, and I feel like I need to step in to help more. Any suggestions? — MOM OF BOYS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MOM:

Your older son is an adult. Your younger one is on the verge of becoming one. It’s time for both to learn the skills they need to take care of themselves. Going there every day to cook, clean, do laundry and visit would be counterproductive to teaching them how to become independent. If your older son has a job, he should contribute to the rent and groceries. Your younger son will never get into college if he doesn’t do the homework he’s ignoring. Having a small home doesn’t mean he couldn’t live with you until he establishes a healthy routine. Although it’s tempting, please do not deprive them of this learning opportunity.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at