Dear Amy: I was with my boyfriend for four years.
We lived together the entire time.
He was my soul mate and stepped in to be the dad in my kids’ lives (I have three children from my previous marriage).
I thought everything was amazing and that he was my partner in life.
He died two weeks ago. Because we weren’t married, I couldn’t be the person to make the arrangements. His mother’s family immediately started blocking me from any involvement in the funeral.
He was always protective of his phone and kept it locked.
He stated that this was because of a past experience he’d had with personal information that was spread online.
Well, after his death I had to access his phone in hopes of locating a will, wishes or anything to support getting him put to rest.
I didn’t find any of that, but I did find intimate conversations he’d had with multiple women that were very sexual in nature.
I’m talking about pictures, Facebook Messenger, and phone calls spanning the ENTIRE time we were together.
I now feel devastated and disrespected.
How do I grieve the man I was in love with when he was living a double life?
I don’t know if he actually had sex with these women, or if it was entirely virtual in nature, but I’m not sure if it even matters.
I know he loved me, but he wasn’t the man I thought he was.
How can I mourn and move on when I am hit with this whirlwind?
– Shock of Reality
Dear Shock: The famous five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You might find yourself moving straight into the “anger” stage and staying there for a while.
Given the way this man’s family rejected and prevented you from participating in the funeral, as well as the evidence you’ve uncovered, you quite naturally feel betrayed.
My instinct is that even though you say you were looking for a will on his phone, you might have (subliminally) been looking for pretty much what you found.
And now, you must deal with your children in the very best way you…
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