DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend whose husband passed away six years ago. They had a 45-year marriage with plenty of ups and downs. She’s 81 and in excellent health. You would think she was 60 if you met her. She is very youthful and full of energy.
The problem is, when I’m with her she constantly talks about her late husband as if he’s still with us: “Oh, Joe would love this,” “Joe always said …,” “Joe would say …,” etc. During one luncheon, she mentioned him 20 times as if he were sitting with us! In retrospect, her marriage now seems to have become the greatest love story ever told, and Joe has risen to sainthood. It’s unnerving.
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Is this healthy behavior? It seems excessive to me. On the anniversary of his death, she says she’s “going to stay home and be with Joe,” which translates to her being at home, alone, becoming depressed and crying. I hear how sad and emotionally drained she is afterward. I am at a loss about what to do, if anything. I offer a sympathetic ear, but should I say anything to her, and if so, what? She has a grief counselor, and I’m wondering if he’s really helping her move forward. My friend seems stuck in the role of grieving widow. I don’t mean to be insensitive to losing a life partner, but I worry about her mental state. Please advise what I can say or do to help her. — DOESN’T SEEM NORMAL IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DOESN’T: I am relatively new to the grieving experience, having lost my husband 3 1/2 years ago, but allow me to share some insight. The adage that there is no timetable for grieving is accurate. Some widows and widowers are able to move on quickly. For others, it takes a long time for the ache to subside, and their spouse pops into their consciousness every day. If your friend needs to idealize her “up and down” 45-year marriage, please don’t rain on her parade. Let her enjoy the fantasy, if it is one. And, when you know she’s…
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