Dear Abby: Young nephew always inserted into adult gatherings

DEAR ABBY: My brother is 53. He has one child, my 12-year-old nephew, “Conner.” Our father was difficult, and neither of us has many happy memories of times we shared with him. Perhaps in response to this, my brother seems incapable of socializing without his son. Many times, he suggests outings to my husband or his friends and then throws in that he’s planning on bringing Conner. We do not want the boy included in what should be adult outings, but we can’t find a way of saying it. If I’m planning a dinner out or something else where I think he might invite his son, I preface it with a grownups-only clause. I can’t discuss it with my sister-in-law because even though I know she would understand, she wouldn’t be tactful in mentioning it to my brother. My husband is not the type to say anything; it would mean more coming from him, but he doesn’t want to cause upset. By the way, my brother is very outgoing and socially adept, so it’s not like he needs this 12-year-old crutch. Any suggestions would be most appreciated. — FRUSTRATED IN NEVADA

READ MORE: Dear Abby: Father’s absence leaves teenage son adrift and insecure

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your brother may not need a social crutch, but from what you have described, the same may not be true of your nephew. Most 12-year-old boys have friends they can socialize with other than Dad. Is that true of Conner, or would he be sitting alone in his room if his father didn’t insert him into so many adult gatherings? Rather than tell your brother or his wife that the boy is unwelcome, it might be more helpful to ask whether Conner has difficulty socializing with his peers. If that’s the case, he may need professional help.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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