DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small university, in an academic department of about 15 faculty. Outside of the university, I have a busy personal life.
One of my colleagues, who happens to be the department chairperson, insists that we all get together socially — to have dinner and drinks and talk about what we are working on.
The problem is that I don’t particularly want to spend time with these people. They are my co-workers, not my friends, and I feel forced into a social situation that takes time away from my personal life. It feels rude to state this, however, and will undoubtedly offend her.
I am also concerned for my junior colleagues, who may feel compelled to accept her invitations even if they don’t want to, for fear of some passive-aggressive professional retaliation.
What to do? A second issue is that several people in the department, including the chairperson, often ask prying questions about my whereabouts on weekends. (I happen to be taking care of my elderly mother, who lives a five-hour drive away.) I find it rude and presumptuous that they feel they have a right to know what I do in my private life. But if I say this outright, they will accuse me of being defensive. Again, these are my co-workers, not my friends, and I want to maintain my privacy. How do I communicate this without coming off as rude?
GENTLE READER: Was this person not paying attention during the pandemic, when everybody else was discovering the danger of sacrificing a true personal life?
You may not need to explain the concept of a work-life balance to your younger colleagues, but Miss Manners does understand your need to defend yourself tactfully from your chairperson.
In a serious voice, you should tell her, “I have personal responsibilities.” And then, before she can ask you what they are, you smile and say, “Personal pleasures, too, of course.” And the answer to any further questions is, “Well, they’re personal,” repeated as often as necessary.
(Please…
Read the full article here
Leave a Reply